T H O M A S C O U S S E N S

Chef Crack

2010-03-30T02:52:00.000-07:00

In no way at all referring to cocaine or any other kind of drug for that matter. Chef Crack may be more commonly known as Chaffing of the Ass. This is an affliction most commonly suffered by Chefs.

It happens because you are in a hot sweaty kitchen, standing up all day and doing a lot of walking around. At the end of a long day you are more than likely going to be walking around like a cowboy.

There are only 2 known cures for Chef Crack both as scary as each other. I say that as each method involves throwing at least one hand down the back of your strides and they never come out the same as they went in.

The first method is 3B cream which is a good relief when you get home, but the most effective on the job cure is a nice handful of cornflour right in the valley, works every time.

If you have ever spent more than a day in a kitchen you will know what I'm talking about.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

2009-12-29T04:21:00.000-08:00

This is the time of year that is usually the most hated by chefs and other hospitality professionals. You will probably find that most chefs have worked nearly every personal milestone and family related holiday since they started their apprenticeship.

I started my apprenticeship the day I finished year 12, missing schoolies and continued to work on my 18th, my 21st and 25th birthdays, every christmas, new years and rugby league grand final and state of origin.

So I understand all you poor under paid and under appreciated chefs and assorted hospitality professionals working this christmas and new years. So all the best and I will be back writing this crap again in 2010.

Excuses

2009-10-12T01:20:00.000-07:00

My first excuse is for not updating this blog for ages, and the excuse is that I was moving house and for those of you that have ever moved, it bites the big one. However this post is not to tell you about moving house.

As a chef trainer at an international hospitality school in Brisbane I was fortunate enough to hear excuses from all over the world. Excuses for being late, for not doing assignments, for not showing up to class, for all different kinds of things.

Just for the record "The bus was late chef" only cuts the mustard two or three hundred times before you just snap a little and decide to have a bit of fun with em. It got to the point where I would lock the class door 5 minutes after the class had officially started and then wait until there was a good bank of late Indians in the hallway, the next step is to make them stand in front of the class and come up with an excuse that I hadnt heard before.

If they came up with a good one I would let them stay, if not I would make them go away until the halfway break of the lesson.

Cowboys and Indians

2009-07-25T19:50:00.000-07:00

The future of the Australian Hospitality Industry lies in the title of this post. A large percentage of the chefs around the country are cowboys with little skill and limited knowledge of methods of cookery. With many of the private hospitality schools around the country acting as permenent residency sausage factories for Indian students at a massively inflated price, you are likely to see huge numbers of under qualified Indian cooks running the kitchens of Australia.

More about this in my book 'Dish Pig' Due for ebook release January 2010.

Netta Schnubart Vixa

2009-07-18T02:06:00.000-07:00

After working at a 5 Star Casino in the Northern Territory for 12 months I had come in contact with back packers from all over the world, all different cultures and languages. Even a large portion of the chefs were from other countries.

I worked with a German Executive Chef and also a lot of German backpackers came and went through the time I was there as function waiters.

I had all of these languages and cultures to learn from and I can assure you that I took advantage. I spent a long time learning a particular phrase in German to pass onto my Executive Chef to let him know just how much I loved his little visits into my kitchen.

That phrase was Netta Schnubart Vixa (please excuse my spelling of these words). Or to translate into English " Nice Moustache Wanker" As you can see I didnt waste the opportunity to learn from my experience.

No Doz

2009-06-22T02:51:00.000-07:00

It was Melbourne Cup day 2005. I was working at one of Melbournes 5 Star Hotels and had a big night out planned with some of the boys from the kitchen. I was working afternoon shift so I had to wait until about 8:30 to get out. One of the guys I was heading out with ("Shippa") had been at the cup all day and had drunk himself retarded.

In order to keep his plans and make it out to the pub with me and the other lads 'Shippa' stopped in at a seven eleven to purchase some No Doz tablets as a bit of a reviver. Not content with taking one tablet 'Shippa' downed the whole pack.

We didnt hear from 'Shippa' that night but found that he had spent the evening in the hospital with heart palpitations. Funniest shit I ever heard!

Foot Long Of Fear Part 2

2009-06-10T02:54:00.000-07:00

So there I was, left with a choice. Do I eat the soiled sanga or do I deliver it with force to the back of Chef's head? Well the answer my friend is I went with column B. I put all the force I could muster behind that 9 and a quater inch sandwich and let it go.

I remember watching the sandwich sailing through the air surprisingly aerodynamic in its speed and accuracy. Even though I hit him fair in the back of the head it really didnt give me the satisfaction that I would have had eating the sandwich without the offending gas occuring.

It smelled like a mixture of rotten meat and burnt dog hair in that room for about 3 days after.

Sushi Go Round

Serve all the customers in the Sushi Restaurant

Play this free game now!!

For some great camp ground recipes Click Here!

Foot Long Of Fear

2009-06-02T01:55:00.000-07:00

Two words that you really don't want to hear in the same sentence are food and fart. These two words were drawn together as one in an unfortunate event at one of Melbourne's 5 Star Hotels. I was working as a Sous Chef at the time and was working some pretty ridiculous hours and finally got a chance to sit with my Executive Chef and enjoy a well earned break and a Subway sandwich.

It was possibly the greatest sandwich the world has ever seen, crispy chicken, grilled bacon, creamy caeser dressing. All was wonderful in my world at that moment until the unthinkable happened. It was like an out of body experience, you know the type you get in tragic events like car accidents or if you were forced to watch an episode of Master Chef.

My Executive Chef stood and in one foul swoop violated the sanctity and the bond that a man and such a sandwich share by Floating an air biscuit with the same accuracy and destructive force of an Inter-continental Ballistic Missile.

To Be Continued.............................

Register your interest in my new book "DISH PIG" at thomasdishpig@hotmail.com

Sushi Go Round

Serve all the customers in the Sushi Restaurant

Play this free game now!!

For some great camp ground recipes Click Here!

Poached Eggs

2009-05-30T01:44:00.000-07:00

Sushi Go Round

Serve all the customers in the Sushi Restaurant

Play this free game now!!

For some great camp ground recipes Click Here!

Biggy Smalls and Jabba the Holmes

2009-05-23T18:16:00.000-07:00

This post has been inspired by a facebook comment left by a friend of mine Krystal. You may or may not have heard of a little place called Deliverence South Australia or Kapunda for those who havent lived there.

This is where I went to High School and first had cooking classes when I was in year 11. My teacher was Mrs. Small who must be the most patient person on the entire planet for being able to put up with me and my good mate Simmo who frequented her classes with no intention of participating in any of the lesson plan. Our main objective was to get Steve (one of our class mates) to make coffee for us and to disrupt the class at any given opportunity.

The final assessment for the years cooking classes was for each student to decorate a christmas basket and fill it with six christmas treats that we were to make during the classes. As mine and Simmo's results for the year had been so ordinary we were allowed to work together, we only had to create 3 christmas treats and we didnt have to decorate the basket.

We actually created some really nice sultana biscuits (which we ate all but half of one biscuit) The final result was we handed the basket (Simmo's lunchbox) with the half sultana biscuit, a piece of chocolate fudge in wrapping that I had purchased from the servo on the way to the bus stop in the morning and a ham sandwich that Simmo's mum had made for him. Needless to say we did not pass year 11 cookery.

Now Jabba the Holmes was a huge creature that filled in for Mrs. Small one day whose sole purpose in life was to destroy myself and Simmo, she did not succeed!

For some great camp ground recipes Click Here!

Suicide Noodles

2009-05-19T02:40:00.000-07:00

As an apprentice chef I was paid a grand total of $4.10 per hour, this gave me almost $180.00 per week which as you can imagine was almost enough for rent and...... well thats about it. One of the benefits of working in kitchens is that while on duty you really dont have to worry about buying food as it is all around you. The problem is that sometimes you are lucky enough to get a day off and if your pay only just covers rent and almost nothing else it leaves you a bit short for buying luxuaries, you know like bread and milk.

Every man has a line and a point of no return and mine was a sad looking pack of Homebrand Shrimp flavoured 2minute noodles. I had decided that if life got so bad that I actually had to eat those noodles to get by that I was either going to jump off the westgate bridge or bum my way back to my parents place in QLD.

As you can tell by the fact that you are reading this, the noodles remained intact and probably will for all of eternity. For more stories like this, hold on for my new book "Dish Pig", coming soon.

Click Here! for some simple and tasty camp ground recipes!!

Too Cool For School

2009-05-14T02:45:00.000-07:00

There are lots of hospitality schools across Australia. Some private and some run by the government. In my new book "Dish Pig" I will be revealing some of the unethical and just plain illegal practices that go on in some of these schools. However for the purposes of this blog and too keep my mum happy I will mention one of the funniest assignments that I ever received in my time as a cooking teacher in one of the private hospitality schools in Brisbane.

Usually I would attempt to change the names of the individuals involved but in this case they are so ridiculous that you wont believe me anyway so here goes it:

Harry and Garry both handed in their assignments for the subject called Methods Of Cookery or MOC for those in the know. In this particular assignment the students were to give definitions for the names of some of the basic cooking terms. I will give you an example of the answers I was handed.

BOIL: A pillow of infected skin usually filled with puss.

BATTER: A series of punches to the head

BRUISE: The result of being punched

The thing that made it worse was that Harry and Garry handed in an identical photocopy with no attempt to disguise the white out at the top where the other ones name was.

Easy Tiger

2009-05-09T18:25:00.000-07:00

It seems that my last post stirred up some emotion with a comment that I recieved on this site.

mezaus said... "ahhh the old danny mac, the mack truck, the irish avenger, i think he overcompensating for his lack of penis. hey you balding f#*k if you read this, i just want you to know i have a reacurring dream where i kill your f#$*t ass and mount your head on a pitch fork and walk your head down a street during a parade whilst people cheer. i also want you to know that everyone hates you and you will die old and alone"

Nice! The point here is that these chefs are out there and every hospitality worker has probably met one. One of the chefs in Hervey Bay held his steel (knife sharpening instrument)in the deep fryer and then held it on his apprentices arm. This apprentice was not one to mess with and actually threw the chef through the restaurant wall. I believe this particular chef is behind bars now for unrelated incidents.

Gordon Ramsays Love Child

2009-05-06T02:24:00.000-07:00

If you have spent any time in or around a kitchen you have probably met one of those chefs who are such arrogant prats that they try to act like Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen. Even without the skills or experience to back it up.

I have worked with several of these chefs and unfortunately they are not an endangered species, they are abundant in numbers. There was one in particular that I can think of, an Irish chef that I worked with in Melbourne.

This one was actually very skilled but he made Gordon Ramsay look like a girl scout with the way that he carried on and actually seemed to enjoy putting people through mental and physical anguish. I remember him picking up the mushroom that the Callenator was cutting up and actually throwing it at his head while he was still cutting more.

For more stories of bastard chefs keep an eye out for my new book "Dish Pig" coming soon.

Also I found another game that is similar to that sushi game is really addictive and its FREE to play so give it a go.

Flatbread Express

Create, cook and serve up delicious food for the hungry customers.

Play this free game now!!

Shout out to the Callenator

2009-05-03T00:30:00.000-07:00

You would be excused for thinking that this simple creature was just blankly awaiting its next thought, and for a fair percentage of the time you would be right!

You may remember me mentioning this name in the post named Kitchen Nicknames. The Callenator was an apprentice of mine back in a luxury hotel in Melbourne and I must say one of the most loyal apprentices that I have come accross.

I spent a good portion of my time Rheeming the Callenator for various acts of stupidity over his time as an apprentice and he just wore it and carried on. Like everyone he had his good days and his bad days but I wanted to mention him as he is still a very good friend of mine and not to mention reached the position of Head Chef just recently.

A few weeks ago I was back in Melbourne for a couple of days and while most of my "mates" bailed on coming out to catch up, The Callenator drove his car unlicenced and with a flat tyre only stopping to pump the tyre back up numerous times to come out and catch up with me. And for that Callenator you have earned an entire post dedicated to you.

And give this game a shot, its pretty cheesy but its addictive!

The Bingo Sluts

2009-04-29T00:58:00.000-07:00

You all know one, these are the hard core, the elite, the die hard BINGO players, mostly ladies, although once in a large hall they develop pack mentality and the ability to inhale a regular size cup of spring rolls in one breath.

One of the places I was working at throughout my apprenticeship ran BINGO on Tuesday and Thursday lunches. The ladies took thier BINGO very seriously and the slightest noise from the kitchen during a heated round would result in very angry line up for the deep fried treats at the hot box during break time.

There are plenty of instances that involve run ins with the BINGO Sluts outlined in my new book "Dish Pig" which as you guessed IS coming soon. If you are keen on securing a copy of "Dish Pig" please email thomasdishpig@hotmail.com or if you have any suggestions for this blog.

I reccomend getting yourself a copy of campground recipes, definitely worth a read for anyone who likes camping or even if you cant be bothered cooking and you want an easy recipe, to get your copy Click Here!

Sushi Go Round

Serve all the customers in the Sushi Restaurant

Play this free game now!!

Sushi Go Round

Serve all the customers in the Sushi Restaurant

Play this free game now!!

Good help is hard to find.

2009-04-28T01:17:00.000-07:00

I think back to one of my first shifts as a Sous Chef at one of Melbourne's 5 Star Hotels. I went down to the a la carte restaurant to supervise and to see what sort of standards were being demonstrated.

I wont explain too much about the state of the kitchen as I will save that for my new book "Dish Pig" which is coming soon, however I will mention one of the most ridiculous things that I have seen in what is supposed to be a 5 Star restaurant.

One of the waiters came into the kitchen and picked up the food ready to take it out to the customers, when I looked over and realised just as he was about to enter the crowded restaurant that he was using a dirty blue dish cloth (chux) as a waiters cloth to hold the hot plate and present it to the customer.

The young waiter had no idea what he had done wrong but did earn the nickname Chux for the rest of his time at the hotel.

The reason that I bring up this point is that I was at a fantastic restaurant in Box Hill, Victoria on the weekend where I was at a wedding and I thought that I would mention that I met the restaurant manager/waiter who was one of the most organised and professional wait staff that I have come accross and if you are reading, thank you for a great night and my compliments to the chefs. This restaurant manager works two full time jobs and still manages to uphold such high standards.

We got talking and I told him that I was a chef and he said how surprised the general public would be if they just knew what happened behind the scenes in the kitchen as he had just been in the kitchen giving the chefs a lashing to hurry up and get the desserts out.

For some great camp site recipes Click Here!

Choking The Chicken.

2009-04-24T22:09:00.000-07:00

Well I guess there is a time in every mans life where he has to make that decision of whether or not to take a few pornos into the stairwell at work and have a bit of "me time" if you know what I'm talking about.

Now I will tell you straight up that it wasn't me that I'm talking about, it was one of our Turkish kitchen hands Sebor. Myself and the executive chef went through the stairwells for some unknown reason and found a nice little care package of a few well read pornos and a tea towel that I reckon if you threw it at the wall it wouldn't hit the ground.

There are quite a few more stories that I could tell you about stairwell shenanigans but I will save that for my new book, "Dish Pig" Coming soon.

To register your interest or to leave one of your own stories that I am happy to publish on the blog please email thomasdishpig@hotmail.com

(My apologies for the fact that there is not a photo to represent this one but I'm sure you understand)

Also thank you to everyone who is leaving comments I really appreciate the feed back

Kitchen Nicknames

2009-04-23T02:15:00.000-07:00

One of the parts of the job that I enjoyed the most was allocating nicknames to tools like that of the photo above.

One of the wonderful nicknames that I had the pleasure of enduring while I was a "Dish Pig" was given to me by my old restaurant manager Bucko. That nickname was Scrotum. Bucko would later inform me that I was given that name as I get uptight when Im nervous.

Some of the goodens that I can remember were "Bucky the wonder horse", "The Callenator", "Helmut", "Yamesburger"and everyones favourite incompetent director of operations "Uncle Novvy"

For nicknames and much more make sure you register your interest in my new book "Dish Pig" at thomasdishpig@hotmail.com

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Green eggs and ham

2009-04-21T01:30:00.000-07:00

Not quite as funny as the Dr. Seus book, the title of this blog reminds me of one of the places that I did my apprenticeship. We served steaks that were cut to order. The whole rump would sit on the bench throughout service and then go back into the fridge, then back out on the bench and then back in the fridge.

Once the rump turned a lovely shade of green it would go in the bin, right.......... WRONG. You see all you really have to do is cut off the green bits and mince it until you can turn it into rissoles!

Dont even get me started on the prawns.

If you would like to read more on this issue, my book "Dish Pig" is coming soon.

Get your own copy of Americas Secret Recipe's today

Hospitality Night Life

2009-04-20T00:37:00.000-07:00

One of the advantages to working as a Chef or indeed in the Hospitality Industry is the fantastic mid week night life. Most Chefs work weekends and if they are lucky to get a day off at all it is during the week.

One of the spots that I favoured when I was working in Melbourne was a joint on Chapel St. called Frostbites. It had all different flavours of alcoholic slurpies which is just great for increasing your chances if you know what I mean.

The deal is that you finish work at or a bit after midnight and have a quick shower and head off to one of the banging night spots, try and drink your body weight in alcohol and see if you can score with a drunk backpacker. AHHHHH good times.

If you havent already got yourself a copy of Americas Secret Recipe's

click the link to do so.

The Life Of A Chef

2009-04-18T16:48:00.000-07:00

For anyone that has either worked as a Chef or even any position in hospitality you would have probably seen some pretty out there stuff happen whether it be food dropped on the floor and still served, drunk or stoned staff working with sharp instruments or people having sex in a cold room. The point is that this is all behind the scenes and usually not seen by the general public.

I think to work in hospitality and in particular as a chef you have to be a little bit crazy, I mean the kitchen is hot, sweaty, stressful and to top it off you usually have some power hungry dick head with a moustache running the show who only pulls there European ass off the chair in the office to yell at someone or grab something to eat.

I mean do you really want to work between 12 and 18 hours a day in an environment like that for about the same wage as someone who turns a sign that says slow on one side and stop on the other?

For some great well kept secret recipes from some of Americas most famous restaurants click here

Welcome to the kitchen.

2009-04-17T23:06:00.000-07:00

Well I guess the first step is to say thank you for reading. The point of this whole thing is bring the reality of the Australian Hospitality Industry to the attention of the general public.
When you go to a restaurant, you walk in and are probably greeted by a smiling yet balding gay waiter who will politely guide you to your seat. You sit down in a comfortable chair at a nice white table clothed table, set with shiny cutlery and spotless wine glasses.

Polite conversation at a reasonable volume will be followed by the waiter asking what you would like to drink. After this its time to order. What I want to get out there is what happens behind the scenes before, during and well after service has finished and the restaurant has closed.